True email sent to the force, lengthy but absolutely brilliantly written.....
Anonymised correspondence from a member of the public
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answer service
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this meassage on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this: after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
>?????????
The Reply
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter,please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ???
Community Beat Officer
Dear PC ?????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal
record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness Book of Records.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw*ts that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards
???????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.
Wednesday, 5 March 2008
Tuesday, 4 March 2008
Crossings
You know the ones with a button. That you look at the red man across the road and then he changes to the green man and the noise starts you cross the road?
The old fashioned ones.
The ones they've replaced with the awful ones with the button panel having the man in and no noise is ever made.
They're awful! They make no sense! Am I crossing the road wrong if I think it's stupid to have to stare at the little box to my side rather than across the road?
Bring back the proper ones where you can stare across the road waiting for the green man to flash!
The old fashioned ones.
The ones they've replaced with the awful ones with the button panel having the man in and no noise is ever made.
They're awful! They make no sense! Am I crossing the road wrong if I think it's stupid to have to stare at the little box to my side rather than across the road?
Bring back the proper ones where you can stare across the road waiting for the green man to flash!
Friday, 29 February 2008
Smaller wine bottles
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2008/feb/29/health.healthandwellbeing
the guardian's got an article
Why aren't they blaming glass size too?
Are we worried about binge drinkers? Because a couple of glasses a wine doesn't feel like a binge. Is it that once you've started your lack of self control means you just drink the rest of it?
If so, then surely your problem is with yourself rather than the wine bottle size?
the guardian's got an article
Smaller wine bottles could cut alcohol consumption, says journal
Well clearly this is insane! What would stop someone having two bottles of wine instead?Why aren't they blaming glass size too?
Are we worried about binge drinkers? Because a couple of glasses a wine doesn't feel like a binge. Is it that once you've started your lack of self control means you just drink the rest of it?
If so, then surely your problem is with yourself rather than the wine bottle size?
Regeneration
Manchester's been crying into it's beer (Not boddies as that's not made in Manchester any more) this week as it's been knocked back for the super casino.
This was the local authority that was SO not ready for winning that no TV crew was in the area, the council was going about its normal business and hadn't even called a press event to say how sad they were when Blackpool got it. So when they got it the TV crews had to rush back to Manchester.
I've seen some item on the TV about it and they were talking about how it'll stop the "regeneration of east manchester"
They were talking about the decline of the area years ago - they pointed out it was the loss of the jobs in the area that led to it's decline, so happily witter on about "regenerating" the area by building houses and completely missing the point that you need jobs in an area to make it work. How many jobs did the commonwealth games make? How many jobs at the stadium? Would the casino have bought a few jobs for local people?
This was the local authority that was SO not ready for winning that no TV crew was in the area, the council was going about its normal business and hadn't even called a press event to say how sad they were when Blackpool got it. So when they got it the TV crews had to rush back to Manchester.
I've seen some item on the TV about it and they were talking about how it'll stop the "regeneration of east manchester"
They were talking about the decline of the area years ago - they pointed out it was the loss of the jobs in the area that led to it's decline, so happily witter on about "regenerating" the area by building houses and completely missing the point that you need jobs in an area to make it work. How many jobs did the commonwealth games make? How many jobs at the stadium? Would the casino have bought a few jobs for local people?
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Plastic Bags
Today's news has this story featuring quite heavily. Marks and Spencer will charge food customers 5p for every plastic carrier bag they use, the chain announced today.
Stuart Rose is often on breakfast news and he was there today announcing these plans.
I think it's a great idea.
C'mon own up. You've got a cupboard in your house stuffed to the gills with carrier bags. Haven't you? If you haven't then you're one of the very few households in the UK that doesn't keep tons of bags stuffed away.
About a year ago I decided to stop using plastic bags. I'd sorted out a huge bag of them and folded them up and took them to the local charity shop where they could reuse them.
Most people reuse bags. Or think they do. What they mean is they put them in the bin. Ok, they've got other rubbish in them, but they still go in the bin!
This is NOT reusing plastic bags!
Reusing means using them again and again. Not just once.
Making a concious decision to stop collecting them hasn't been easy. But here are my basic hints on what I did.
I collected some bags for life. Hardwearing plastic bags that are bigger than carrier bags and will last for years. When we go grocery shopping we take one with us.
I carry a folded up reusable bag, and a carrier in my everyday bag. I use these when I shop.
When I shop in Oldham I make a concious effort not to accept carrier bags. It was hard to start with. Shop's till staff are used to putting items in the plastic bag. Not having one means they have to hand me the items to put in my bag. It can be quite difficult though and every now and again I'll come home with a couple of plastic carriers.
I do think it's important more so to get a receipt though when you don't come out with a carrier bag - so if you go bagless then make sure all the shops give you a receipt. You don't want to set off an alarm later on in a shop and then have nothing to prove you paid for the items in your bag!
Sometimes we pop to the shops and we buy too much to fit in the bags we've taken. In this case we just put the things in the boot of the car or carry them home as they are. Most things you buy already have a layer of plastic around them so don't need another.
So next time you use a carrier bag to line your rubbish bin, STOP!
How many bags do you use a week lining bins? 3? 4? 5? That's over 150 a year if you use 3 bags a week so just think how much landfill you're saving.
And all the ones you do bring home by accident. Make sure they're clean and intact and fold them nicely and take them to your local charity shop.
The tatty ones can go in the recycling bags bin most supermarkets now have.
You don't need to get irate about people charging you 5p for a bag. Ireland have a bag tax which has substantially reduced the amount of bags used.
Be prepared and carry your own bags!
Note: Today GB has said he wants to cut the use of carrier bags
Gordon Brown has warned retailers he will force them to cut down on plastic bag use if they do not act voluntarily
Has he spotted a source of tax revenue?
Stuart Rose is often on breakfast news and he was there today announcing these plans.
I think it's a great idea.
C'mon own up. You've got a cupboard in your house stuffed to the gills with carrier bags. Haven't you? If you haven't then you're one of the very few households in the UK that doesn't keep tons of bags stuffed away.
About a year ago I decided to stop using plastic bags. I'd sorted out a huge bag of them and folded them up and took them to the local charity shop where they could reuse them.
Most people reuse bags. Or think they do. What they mean is they put them in the bin. Ok, they've got other rubbish in them, but they still go in the bin!
This is NOT reusing plastic bags!
Reusing means using them again and again. Not just once.
Making a concious decision to stop collecting them hasn't been easy. But here are my basic hints on what I did.
I collected some bags for life. Hardwearing plastic bags that are bigger than carrier bags and will last for years. When we go grocery shopping we take one with us.
I carry a folded up reusable bag, and a carrier in my everyday bag. I use these when I shop.
When I shop in Oldham I make a concious effort not to accept carrier bags. It was hard to start with. Shop's till staff are used to putting items in the plastic bag. Not having one means they have to hand me the items to put in my bag. It can be quite difficult though and every now and again I'll come home with a couple of plastic carriers.
I do think it's important more so to get a receipt though when you don't come out with a carrier bag - so if you go bagless then make sure all the shops give you a receipt. You don't want to set off an alarm later on in a shop and then have nothing to prove you paid for the items in your bag!
Sometimes we pop to the shops and we buy too much to fit in the bags we've taken. In this case we just put the things in the boot of the car or carry them home as they are. Most things you buy already have a layer of plastic around them so don't need another.
So next time you use a carrier bag to line your rubbish bin, STOP!
How many bags do you use a week lining bins? 3? 4? 5? That's over 150 a year if you use 3 bags a week so just think how much landfill you're saving.
And all the ones you do bring home by accident. Make sure they're clean and intact and fold them nicely and take them to your local charity shop.
The tatty ones can go in the recycling bags bin most supermarkets now have.
You don't need to get irate about people charging you 5p for a bag. Ireland have a bag tax which has substantially reduced the amount of bags used.
Be prepared and carry your own bags!
Note: Today GB has said he wants to cut the use of carrier bags
Gordon Brown has warned retailers he will force them to cut down on plastic bag use if they do not act voluntarily
Has he spotted a source of tax revenue?
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
Bollards
Yes bollards!
The council have spent £2000 (Source: Neighbour) on some bollards to stop people parking on the grass edges where we live. Our driveway road is used as a turning spot so they've put some bollards at the end ... they're not very near the corners though, so no danger of scratching your paint whilst you turn round.
We did think it was pretty bizarre to put them where they did, but outside a neighbours they've got them quite near the edge.
So a workvan has decided as he can't park on the road edge of the grass that he'd park on it anyhow he could. Yes he has blocked a neighbours drive way too - so she's just parked on our drive roadway and knocked on to ask if it was ok for ten minutes whilst she goes and tells off the workman's boss.
She said she's spoken to the woman at the council about it saying people would just do this sort of thing.
This is the road at the end of our driveway. It's shared between us and the neighbour the other side of it but as you can see from the mud the corners are regularly run over.I've marked on this version of it where the kerbstones are
So you can see it's a right mud swamp. In fact when they put the bollards in on this side they couldn't be arsed trying to plant one very near this corner as the mud and water is about 1 ft deep.It's this corner which suffers most so I don't imagine what they've done will help it much.
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